Why Being Liked Isn’t Enough: The Hidden Leadership Scorecard

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[00:00:23] A few years ago, I was coaching a senior leader after an executive team meeting. She walked into the room, sat down, and before I could even ask how the meeting had gone, she said, "I think I blew it." I asked her what had happened. She said, "The CFO looked really annoyed." So I asked, "Did he challenge your recommendation?"

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[00:01:17] Most of us do. What fascinated me was this: she had walked out of a meeting where her recommendation had been accepted. Nobody had questioned her capability. The discussion had moved exactly as she'd hoped, and yet the question occupying her mind had nothing to do with the quality of her thinking. It was, "Does he still like me?"

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[00:02:05] Different words, the same underlying question: What do they think of me? Before we go any further, I want to say something that I think is really important. This isn't a conversation about women lacking confidence. It's not a conversation about women being too emotional, and it's certainly not a conversation about people-pleasing.

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[00:03:04] So why do so many capable women leave important meetings wondering whether people like them? I don't think it's because there's something wrong with us. I think it's because we've been paying attention. Long before we ever became leaders, we were learning. We watched who was described as easy to work with. We noticed who was labeled difficult. We observed what happened when women challenged ideas. We noticed what happened when they didn't. Nobody sat us down and explained the rules. We simply watched, and like all human beings, we learned.

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[00:04:44] Imagine entering a decathlon. Nobody explains the rules, so you spend years becoming exceptional at the high jump. You train relentlessly. You become one of the best. Then, at the end of the competition, someone tells you, "The judges were scoring ten events." Would that make the high jump unimportant? Well, of course not. You need it. You just can't win the decathlon by excelling at one event. And I wonder if that's what's happening for many women in leadership. Many of us have spent years consciously training for one event because we believed it mattered most, building relationships, being collaborative, being someone people enjoy working with. Those things absolutely matter. But what if our organizations have been evaluating a much broader competition all along?

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[00:06:04] If you've recognized yourself in that story, I want to reassure you of something. This isn't happening because you're weak or because you lack confidence or because you're somehow more concerned with what people think than everyone else. I don't believe that's what's happening at all.

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[00:06:57] We notice the woman who speaks bluntly and is called abrasive. We notice the woman who confidently backs herself and is described as intimidating. We notice the woman who challenges a decision and somehow becomes hard work. Whether those labels are fair or not isn't the point. The point is we notice them, and human beings are extraordinary pattern recognition machines. We draw conclusions, often without even realizing we're doing it.

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[00:08:33] Now, before we judge that response, let's remember something. She's responding to a lifetime of observation. She's watched other women. She's noticed the reactions. She's trying to navigate the environment as intelligently as she can. In many ways, it's an incredibly rational strategy. If you believe your success depends on maintaining approval, of course you'll protect it.

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[00:10:14] I think this explains something that has puzzled many women. They work incredibly hard. They build great relationships. People genuinely like them, yet someone else is promoted. Someone else gets the stretch assignment. Someone else is invited into the strategic conversation. It can feel deeply confusing because by the scorecard you've been using, you've done everything right. And that's why I think this conversation matters so much, because I don't want women to stop valuing relationships. I'd hate that. Relationships are one of the greatest strengths women bring to leadership. What I do want is for us to realize that we've been competing in a decathlon not a high jump. And once you know that, you can start training for the whole competition. So the obvious question becomes, what exactly are the other nine events? Because I think that's where the hidden rule really begins.

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[00:12:04] And do you know what's fascinating? In all those years, I've never once heard someone say, "Let's give her the role because everybody likes her." Never. What I've heard sounds very different. "She has good judgment. She sees the bigger picture. She'll handle the complexity. I trust her with a client. People listen when she speaks. She's commercially astute. She asks great questions. She stays calm under pressure. She's dependable. She's ready. Now, does likability matter? Absolutely. Nobody wants to work with someone who damages relationships or creates unnecessary conflict. But that's the point. Likability isn't absent from these conversations. It's simply one part of a much bigger picture. One event in a decathlon, not the whole competition.

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[00:13:31] I often wonder how different our careers might feel if we simply change the questions we asked ourselves. Imagine walking out of that same executive meeting and instead of asking, "Did they like me?" You asked, "What did they learn about me as a leader? Did they see my judgment? Did they see how I approached a complex problem? Did they see that I could think strategically? Did they see that I listened before responding? Did they see that I stayed calm when challenged? Did they see someone they could trust with something bigger?" Those are very different questions because they're not questions about approval, they're questions about leadership.

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[00:15:33] I think that's one of the hidden rules of work. People aren't forming a single impression of us. They're noticing patterns. Every meeting, every conversation, every decision, every difficult discussion, every promise we keep, every time we speak up, every time we stay silent, every interaction adds another pattern, and over time, those patterns become the perception people hold of us as leaders. Not simply, do I like this person? But who is this person when the stakes are high? What can I rely on them for? Would I trust them with something bigger? That's the competition. Not one event, the whole decathlon. And here's the wonderful thing. Once you realize that, you stop trying to be better at just one event. You begin developing the whole athlete.

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[00:17:03] I remember working with a woman who'd just missed out on a significant promotion, and she was disappointed. But more than that, she was confused. She said, "I don't understand. Everyone tells me I'm great to work with." And they did. She was. She built strong relationships. She was dependable. People trusted her. Nobody had a bad word to say about her. So we looked at the feedback together. Not one comment suggested she needed to become more likable. Not one. Instead, the feedback sounded like this. We'd like to see more strategic thinking. We'd like to see broader organizational influence. We'd like to see her contributing more at an enterprise level. We'd like to see stronger commercial judgment. It struck me that she'd spent years polishing one part of her leadership while the organization was evaluating the whole picture. She wasn't failing. She was simply preparing for a different event.

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[00:19:23] One of the things I've learned over nearly forty years is that leadership isn't built by managing impressions. It's built by creating repeated experiences. Think about the leaders you trust most. They probably never sat down and tried to create a personal brand. Instead, they consistently demonstrated something, good judgment, reliability, curiosity, integrity, clear thinking, calm under pressure. Every interaction became another piece of evidence, another pattern, and over time, those patterns became perception.

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[00:20:44] I'd love you to try something this week. Choose one meeting, just one. Before you walk into the room, choose one leadership quality you'd like people to experience. Not hear you talk about, but experience. Then afterwards, don't ask, "Did they like me?" Ask, "What evidence did I give them today about the kind of leader I am?" Because every meeting is another event in the decathlon, and every event is another opportunity to strengthen the whole athlete.

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[00:22:08] One of the things that makes me a little sad is how much energy I've watched talented women spend wondering whether they were liked. Not because relationships aren't important, they are. Some of the most rewarding moments in our careers happen because of relationships. But because I've seen women leave meetings replaying one sentence they said, while completely overlooking the quality of the thinking they contributed. I've seen women apologize for asking important questions when nobody else in the room thought an apology was necessary. I've seen women spend an entire weekend worrying about how they came across, while everyone else had already moved on to the next challenge. That's a lot of energy, energy that could have been invested somewhere else.

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[00:23:52] If you remember nothing else from today's episode, I hope you remember this. Many women leave meetings wondering whether they were liked. The organization leaves those same meetings with a clearer picture of the leader they believe they're seeing. Those are two very different scorecards. And once you understand that, you begin investing your attention differently.

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[00:24:50] And next time, we're going to build on today's conversation because once people begin to trust your judgment, something interesting starts to happen. Some people begin putting their own reputation behind yours. They recommend you. They advocate for you. They quietly open doors you may never even know existed. We're going to explore the hidden influence of sponsors, advocates, and champions, and why careers rarely grow through hard work alone. Until then, stay curious because recognition changes everything.

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